How does this make you feel?
And the video that makes me cry 100% of the time.
I spent most of the first 23 years of my life feeling virtually disinterested in the topic of childbirth. Not only did I know basically nothing about it, but I also rarely thought about it and didn’t see any indication that I otherwise needed to.
In the few moments when the topic did cross my mind, the mere thought of childbirth made me feel both fear and dread. But how else was I supposed to respond to the Hollywood depictions of birth or the rogue worst-case-scenario emergency birth story I heard from a classmate?
Not only are these depictions and passed-down stories often skewed in their physiological accuracy (like the start of labor in this scene of Only Murders in The Building), but they’re also saturated with such anguish, helplessness, and urgency that we, the viewers, adopt a negative association with childbirth.
Another popular approach to childbirth is perhaps a result of this slow-brewing fear — utter avoidance. You can spot this in comments such as “I just want the doctor to put me to sleep and cut me open” or “I hope I can get the epidural before my contractions start” (both of which I’ve heard in recent years from women in response to finding out I work as a Birth Doula).
It wasn’t until I went through my holistic nutrition and birth doula training that I was able to connect the dots to explain an additional contribution to this fear that is often overlooked: the assumption that it’s an experience that is completely out of our control. Out of our control…. as in it’s something that happens to us.
The western, allopathic approach to health can be incredibly disembodying — shifting the focus away from empowerment through nourishment and understanding your body’s needs and instead towards numbers, risk factors, diagnostic tests, and reactive intervention. Though perhaps not intentionally, this creates a stubborn social understanding that we (non-medical lay people) can’t really take charge of our own health. Besides the vague advice to “eat well & exercise”, we’re often not left with much empowerment or feeling of influence over whether we develop cancer, depression, or thinning hair in the years to come.
With this learned helplessness, it’s no surprise that so many girls and women become quite afraid of their own childbirth experience. While our misaligned approach to healthcare in this country is a topic I care deeply about, it is particularly upsetting in the context of childbirth, as it’s a physiologically normal mammalian experience.
Have you ever thought about how childbirth is unlike every other reason someone may be admitted to the hospital? In generally all other hospitalizations, something has gone wrong — a broken leg, kidney infection, car crash, drug overdose, cancer relapse, pneumonia, etc. None of these reasons for hospitalization are normal, physiological, or natural like childbirth is.
While childbirth may be the first and only time you are hospitalized in your lifetime (if you choose a hospital birth), it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re unsafe. There can be risks, unforeseen complications, and disappointments, but that doesn’t have to beget fear, pain, or trauma. Most importantly, there is so much you and your partner can do to boost your chances of having a positive, empowering birth, perhaps first of them being to trust in your body’s ability to bring your baby Earth-side just like the women who came before you.
In addition, no matter the type of birth you’re planning (cesarean, homebirth, twin birth, VBAC, etc.), it is your right to feel listened to, fully informed, and empowered. While birth is usually a soul-shaking experience that requires you to dig deep to find your strength, it doesn’t require fear (in fact, it will be considerably smoother without it!)
Moving through the fear:
In my experience, the key to unlearning this fear and sense of helplessness is exposing your brain to positive and empowering birth stories. This is especially helpful in the pre-pregnancy or early pregnancy stage. My three favorite options include:
YouTube birth videos (Simply searching “positive unmedicated birth story” is a great start)
The Birth Hour podcast
Follow a Childbirth Photographer or Educator account on Instagram such as Eva Rose Birth Photography (You may make an involuntary ick-face when you first see this content. That’s okay! This is new territory for a lot of women)
If you’re already pregnant and working to feel more empowered as you approach childbirth, I strongly recommend a Childbirth Education course. While in-person classes are ideal to create a strong community before you enter postpartum, virtual options are often more cost-effective. An excellent option is the Birth Hour’s course called Know Your Options.
Later in pregnancy, it is in you and your partner’s best interest to hire a birth doula. Stats about doulas improving birth outcomes aside, perhaps you really need a doula so that you have someone to look you in the eye and remind you time and time again that “you’re safe, your baby is safe, your body is wise, your body is strong, you can trust your body, your baby can trust you, and we’re going to remind you of that every step of the way”. It’s true!
Your homework assignment:
Watch the video below. Notice the vulnerability, trust, pride, empowerment, and love that is seeping through the screen when you watch. Where is the fear here? Where was the fear during her birth? Where was dad’s fear?
Volume is a must, especially if you fancy a good cry.
